6 Years Ago Today

I gave up trying to sleep at about 3:30am and took a shower. I had a little talk with Jack and with God, just making sure we were all three on the same page, that we all three wanted things to go well. I woke Bob up at around 4am after I had some time alone. I didn't really talk much, I was very focused and there wasn't much to say. This is unusual for me because I am not a fan of silence. I told the dogs goodbye while Bob loaded my stuff up in the car. It was still dark outside and I sort of looked around. I can't really explain how I felt but it was something.

We got to the birthing center at 5:30am when it was still dark outside, again I didn't talk much on the way there. When we got to the room, they started getting me all ready. I was hooked up to the heart monitor and I could hear him in there swooshing. I got the IV's and I filled out all the paperwork. I tried to get a minute to talk to Bob, but things went so fast. For some reason I thought that I might need something to occupy my time while I was in the hospital. Yeah. Right. The anesthesiologist came in to give me my epidural before the surgery. I was on my side and I felt the needle go in, when it did I dug into Bob's hand, I believe there is a scar there to this day in fact. I felt something go "POP" in my lower back. After that he told me that he couldn't do an epi so he was going to have to put me to sleep. Finally I showed some emotion. I wasn't happy, I was crying, I was nearly hysterical. My mom wasn't there, I hadn't had a chance to talk to Bob and now I was going to be unconcious? Things really flew then, and I was being wheeled down the hall towards the OR, I kept saying "wait, wait, wait" and finally I said "WAIT!" They stopped and I grabbed Bob's hand and told him that I loved him and that if anything happened he needed to let Jack know that I loved him more than life itself. As I was rolled away, I told thanked the nurse for giving me a minute because how horrible would it be if my last words were "wait"? That would suck.

The next thing I remembered was waking up and seeing a clock on the wall. I had totally forgotten what I was there for apparently, but I would soon remember when the evil lady started pushing on my stomach. I smacked her hand away and she told me that she had to do it, I informed her that she should have done it 5 minutes earlier when I was still asleep. Geez. Then I remembered I had a baby! I asked about him and they told me that he was perfect, I then asked how big he was. I remembered that I had an 11lbs baby. Bob came walking through, bouncing actually and I said his name. He remembered that I was there, and I asked him how Jack was and I will never forget the look on his face, or the sound of his voice when he said "he's so perfect baby, he's awesome". When I think about that I cry to this day. Because my stoic husband was a smitten kitten.

At some point, after being left alone forever, they brought in a bundle of blankets. They showed me Jack and I said "that's not my baby, my baby is BIG". He was tiny, and he was the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes on. I was drunk as all get out, and I hurt like nobodies business, but I knew perfection when I saw it. I held him, and he grunted. I never put him down after that. Only when they made me. He slept on the bed with me, all bundled up in his blankets with his binky from home that we had brought going 90mph in his mouth. The day is fuzzy, but I do remember the moment that changed it all.

At one point, they came and got him from me to do whatever tests. I dozed off, and when I opened my eyes he was laying in front of my bed, in his bassinet, on his side. He had on the hat, he was wrapped up and he was sucking on that binky like his life depended on it. He looked my right in the eye (or it seemed, Darvocet is goooood stuff) and he stopped for a minute sucking on that thing. He looked at me as if to say "what?" then he started up again. It hit me at that moment, that I was his mom. I cried, and I woke Bob up to hand him to me. I sat there in the semi dark, while Bob snored and I stared at him and cried. I just loved him so much I couldn't stand it. It literally hurt my heart to look at him. He was just so amazing.

Bob woke up once that night, he asked me if I was ok, and I then if Jack was ok. I probably nodded yeah and went back to staring at him. I still do that sometimes, I look at him and my heart nearly stops. I get choked up and I think about how blessed I am to be his mom. Because he's a hell of a kid. He is everything I ever wanted in a little boy. He's funny, he's smart, he's happy. He finds everything good in the world and he laughs big when he laughs. He treats others with kindness and he always backs up the underdog. He never picks on other kids (besides his sister) and he never makes anyone feel bad. He tells me daily that he loves me and that I'm the best mom in the world. When he hugs me, he holds on like he never wants to let go. He's a daddy's boy, but he loves his mom. And his mom loves him.