Who is Andy? Andy is my doppelganger. The ying to my yang. She is the only person who can do to me, what I do to everyone else. She and I are a dangerous pair, and our minds work in mysterious ways. We go there. To places that others dare not go. Here we are after we just went there...I look hideous in this picture, but if you saw the one that was taken before this one, you would think that right there is a picture of a movie star. I'm not showing that picture btw.
She's an eater. She isn't fat at all, which really annoys me because she eats like a 17 year old boy. Andy will bring you a box of chocolates if you are in the hospital. It will be empty when it gets to you but I guess it's the thought that counts. She can't help it. The other day we stopped at Krispy Kreme to get a donut. I thought for sure we would get a dozen, give all the kids one and then take our boys one home. But noooooo. She actually said to me "get your own dozen because I'm not sharin'". In the 30 minutes it took us to get home, I saw her devour 3 donuts without taking a breath. Here she is showing us how much she loves making cake balls. She is also showing us her IQ.
Andy works for UPS. She gets to boss men around. She also works like a farmhand which might explain why she is able to eat like one and not gain weight. She is very good at her job, very organized. She is really on top of things at work. At home, not so much. I'm sorry but it's true. It's almost weird how she can go from one extreme to the other.
Andy is Sam-Sam's mom. She is also Keegans mom and Trevors pain in the a...I mean wife. She and I both agree that we took two really good men in Bob and Trevor and ruined their lives. As well as their credit. But they both have good credit now. Their lives are still destroyed, but baby steps. Baby steps.
Andy doesn't cry. She doesn't hug. By all outwards appearances she is a soul-less blob of non-emotional seaweed. If you tell her that your dog died, she'll tell you that dogs die and you need to get over it. But I know things. I'm not outing her as having emotions, but I've seen things. She has an obession with bathrooms and the goings on of bathrooms. And while describing Andy requires a mention of bathrooms, that's as far as I'm going with that. Because I do not share the same obession. I wish that she would understand that and stop trying to pull me into that world. I don't wanna go there.
She sleeps the minute she gets into the passengers seat of a vehicle. I have seen her and Trevor driving down the street, Trevor in the drivers seat, and Andy over in the passengers seat with her head thrown back, mouth wide open, drool all over her face. I suspect that people who didn't know her would think he was rushing her to the hospital because she's had some sort of stroke or something. But she's just sleepin'. She, like my Bob, looks like bigbird when she sleeps. She also has the ability to fall asleep in the middle of a conversation like Bob does. I'm used to it at this point. My sister does it too.
Andy and I do things that make people wonder what we're up to. For example, we will
run for absolutely no reason. We'll be sitting on the couch, and one of us will say "you wanna go run" and the other one says "hell yeah" and we go outside at Nana's and just run. No one knows why we do this, and neither do we. But we run and we laugh until we cry. We also have the ability to look at each other and laugh, thus sending chills down the backs of the rest of our family. They all ask why? what? who? But there is no why, what or who. We're just laughing. The more we laugh, the more freaked out people get, which makes us laugh more.
We have fun, more fun that we should have. We laugh at things that other people would cry about. And when one of us is mad, the other one gets mad too. Or makes fun of the other for getting so mad about something stupid. Alright, usually she makes fun of me for getting mad at something stupid. We make fun of each other about things that other people would pity us for. It's how we get through the tough times. We're cousins, but we're also friends. Mostly because being friends with each other is easier than being friends with other people. We're both backer outers. For example, I might be all about going to lunch next Wed with Betty Sue. But when Wed rolls around, the chances of me still wanting to go to lunch are not good. If I make plans with Andy and I back out, there is a very good chance that she won't want to go either. And if she does, I don't care. Because that's how we roll.
We love our family. They are tons of fun to make fun of. We have a great time with our Nana. We like to go places with her, and make fun of her. Especially when she and my mom got matching lesbian haircuts. We told her that her hair looked great for an 80 year old lesbian. She just laughed at us. We also like to make fun of our cousin Wally. How can you have a cousin named "Wally" and not make fun of him? We call him a magnificent bastahd. We call him at random times asking him "what are you doing you magnificent bastahd?" For some reason everytime we call him, he asks us if we're drunk. We aren't. We're usually hopped up on sugar, but never drunk.
Andy's mom died about 4 years ago. It sucked. But every now and then, when we pull one of our pranks, we sort of feel like she's there with us, pulling the rope on the bucket of water over the door. We think that she would enjoy our antics. She was sort of like us in that she thoroughly enjoyed those little moments when someone slips on the ice.
So now I've done a spotlight on Andy. And now maybe she'll just shut up about it and let me have my normal life back.
No comments:
Post a Comment