I Am Technologys Bitch

It's happened. I've turned into my Nana. I do not understand any of these new fangled mechanical thingamajiggs. And I don't want to. There's too much out there.

When I was a kid, we were lucky when dad got a new tv and gave us the old tv that needed needle nose pliers to change the channel. And a computer? Forget that. My house has 4 tv's, two dvd players, three computers, two cellphones, 3 game systems, and one land line that I actually thought was messed up but simply wasn't plugged in. I swear to you that's true. And we would be lost without these things. If we had to share a computer? It would be ugly. If we had to argue over what to watch? Forget that. What would we do on snow days if we didn't have our choice of games? I have no idea.

Yet of all these things that we have, that we use daily, I only get bare minimum use of them. There are things on my cell phone that I will never use because I have no idea how to. I have the cingular ring tone, because I don't know how to change it to AC/DC. I could set up all kinds of things on my computer I'm sure, but when Bob starts to explain it to me, my eyes glaze over and I turn into Forrest Gump. I could be doing Wii Fit. But I'd probably break a hip.

I don't want to know how to text message. I would rather just talk. Why do I need to text? What purpose does it serve? What am I gonna do? Type 800813 and send it to Bob? What's he gonna do? See "BOOBIE" on his screen and get riled up? Come on. I need a new phone, and I like the Palm Centro, but why? Really I just need a jitterbug.

I don't know how to use the DVD player. If I HAD to do it, I suppose I could, but I don't want to. I don't watch DVD's without Bob, and even then I don't ever watch anything from start to finish. Although I did watch "Zack and Miri Make A Porno" the other night and it was great. My kids can work the DVD player, but I can't. If Bob's not here, I'll ask them to do it. If they aren't here, then I don't need to watch it.

If my computer does anything slightly wonky, I shut it down, close it, and call Bob. If he isn't here, I use his computer until he gets home and fixes it. I don't care, I don't have the patience to figure out what's wrong with this stuff.

My kids play Wii or any other video-type game like pro's. Jack is a Lego fah-reek. I tried to play "Cooking with Mama" about a month ago and I finally handed it over to Sydney and went to my room. Mama sucks. I play Bubbletown on my computer. And I LOVE Bubbletown. That's the extent of my game playing abilities. And even at that I've never gotten past level 10. Those little Suri Cruises drive me insane.

I blame Bob for this. He's a techno geek, and he can fix anything. And he's one of those "MOVE" guys when something breaks. Like move it before your stupidity jumps into the computer/dvd player/wii/etc.

However, I can work the DVR. And I have become quite accustomed to it. The other day our receiver was all crackhead and I couldn't remember how I existed without DVR. I never watch commercials. I never miss a show. I love my DVR. I want the new one that records 3 things at once. I would get TIVO but I could never figure that out.

So, I'll stick to mastering the DVR and Bubbletown. These are things I enjoy, they are priority. Maybe I will get a Palm Centro, and maybe I will change the ringtone to AC/DC (or Neil Diamond!). But I won't text! That's one line that I will never cross. I'm not organized enough to text. I'd send dirty messages to my uncle thinking I was sending them to Bob. You don't do that in Oklahoma without raising red flags all over town. I'm just sayin'...